Suicide because of not copying with challenges of hypothyroidism and its complications, cruelty of NHS doctors.
At the beginning I would like to thank you everyone for kind words of support which I have received on this forum. I do appreciate it a lot.
I know many of you struggle but I am not sure how do you cope with the problem of thyroid dysfunction psychologically? I have totally lost it to the point of attempting suicide.
I am having, no family, no close relatives and not a single soul around me. The only person who cares is my friend Tony, who often comes on this forum to ask some questions on my behalf.
Tony does live quite far away from me, so I am totally isolated, literally locked in my flat all day long. It has been almost 3 years... I was dismissed from my good job due to ill health triggered by my mum's death and other tragic events.
My life was and as it appears now still is quite tragic. I do not want to go into details, it is too difficult to talk about it.
I did study all my life. I did a college degree, then went to university, graduated, started another degree, just to build my life, to have a career, all against what happened in my past.
My whole life I could only rely on myself and I needed to be very strong and fight hard to get anywhere. I thought that at some point there will be a reward, a better time for me, a break from all this tragedy.
I was wrong. After all this life battle my body just gave in. Now I am diagnosed with hypothyroidism and I am forced to stop my studies ( something that kept me going when I lost my mum, my dad, my family home...)
Unfortunately hypothyroidism took what I valued the most, the sharpness of my brain, the clarity, analytic thinking, my creativity.. I cant even read a simple book any more, I cannot do my art, I cannot concentrate on the movie. It does drives me crazy.
I had other co-existing conditions and before I started to suffer from hypothyroidism I was severely depressed due to all trauma that I have experienced in my life.
Doctors in my surgery are just cruel. They deny me important blood tests, which does not help with further diagnosis ( co-existing conditions) and do nothing to help with monitoring my treatment progress.
I don't sleep, I am very suicidal. I have tried couple of times to end my life ( just recently).
My treatment already appears to be complicated. Erfa which I am taking started to lower my temperature, made me more anxious and week. I know a lot of people would say - weak adrenals, which should be treated first, and that I should reduce or split the dose of Erfa.
Unfortunately for me there is too much of a trial and error in all of this. Too much experimenting, to much struggle which I cannot take, especially that I am on my own in an empty flat with my thoughts, fears , loneliness, day after day, night after night, months, years...
Hypothyroidism caught me in the worst moment of my life, at the time that I lost what I loved the most, at the time that I was literally lying on the floor and not being able to move... I feel battered.
I am sorry for writing pessimistic blogs but I just do not know what to do with myself.
I am afraid that I will kill myself. Or even more I am not longer afraid that I kill myself but on the opposite I do often wish I was dead.
I am not having access to counselling because my surgery is crap. I cannot afford private sessions now as I have lost my job.
I do not know how to handle this all. I feel so much disabled and fear that I will never get full brain function.. this scares me the most and drives me to suicide. Its hard for somebody who studied all life suddenly not to be able to do it at all. Everyone has essence of life and mine was studying.
I must add that I absolutely hate how cruel and ignorant are doctors here. I am treated worse than animals are being treated and I do not have the energy to fight back any more. I used to be a person who was able to defend myself and fight for things but I am gone now. It is late at night as usual and I don't sleep, I am scared of tomorrow..
Thank you for listening
Wishing you all the best and good health.